The Green Room
by erinsgirl
Summary: The characters discuss their latest storylines which leads to some interesting decisions.


_A/N: This is a total crack-fic. I'm having writer's block with my other stories so I wrote this to help deal with it and decided I'd post it, just because. I'm not watching season 3, so apologies if anything there is incorrect. I've heard alot though and everyone I talk to seems to be annoyed so let me know what you think Apologies if anyone is offended but it's my way of dealing. Enjoy._

_Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own the show or else I wouldn't be here venting._

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><p>"Okay, guys', settle down". Will called the room to order. "We start shooting the next episode tomorrow, so let's get to it. I'm after meeting with the writers and they gave me your latest storylines."<p>

"I still think that my banning from the writers table is akin to the decision to sign the UN Charter of Human Rights."

Will sighed, "Sue renaming the show Sue Sylvester and having you on camera the entire forty minutes isn't going to happen. Now here are your storylines," he said handing out the envelopes.

"Mine just says 'continue being perfect'," Blaine said.

Kurt frowned. "Mine says 'continue complaining about only being seen as gay while acting so completely stereotypically gay that no one can think of me as anything else'. The grammar there is appalling."

"Be careful, Kurt. That sounds like actual thought. No character growth. No development. No criticizing the writers," Will warned. "Now storylines".

"I vote we have an orgy", Artie yelled out.

Several of the girls muttered indignant protests but Will hushed them.

"Artie, well done in continuing to have terrible suggestions. The writers have informed me that I'm not being inappropriate enough with you guys. I'm sorry. I let myself think that it was ok to just act like your teacher. So to make up for it we are performing at the assembly next week and will be giving a routine that in an actual school would get me fired on the spot. You're all giving me lap dances." Several cheers rang out at this announcement. "Also from now on all Thursday practices will be done in just our underwear." The cheers got louder at that.

"Also guys, in terms of favoritism I will be ranking you in terms of my personal preference of whom I like and treating you as such. Rankings will change weekly. Finn you will of course be staying at number one permanently." "Alright!" Finn grinned. "Rachel you will be at the bottom every other week and the rest of you will alternate in between."

"Now does anyone else have anything to add?"

Emma raised her hand. "Could everyone please email me in advance with the problems they're going to come to me with? I need to know so I can order the correct mildly amusing and utterly ridiculous and unhelpful pamphlets. I also need to prepare the useless advice I'm going to give as well as be suitably flustered by the problem and be my perfectly nice but incompetent self."

Rachel raised her hand. "I have some concerns about some of my recent actions. Agreeing to marry Finn seems like I'm giving up my dream to be a star. In fact dating him and letting him get away with the things he does wrong seems like something the old me would never do. I've gotten some emails from ship-neutral fans even who can't figure out why the hell anyone considers Finchel end-game. They also seem to have a problem with a lot of inconsistencies from my character in general and indeed most of the rest of the cast as well."

The rest of the group stared at her in shocked silence, their jaws on the floor.

"Rachel", Emma asked, "have you been taking the medication the producers prescribed. The ones that turn us into poor and twisted caricatures of our once great selves."

Rachel shook her head. "It seemed like a bad idea."

"Right," Will smiled. "Sue?"

The cheerleading coach took a large syringe and injected the brunette with it. Rachel's eyes glazed over as the drug took affect.

"Finn, why haven't you been making sure that Rachel's been taking the pills?" Will asked. "If we lose her half the show goes!"

The tall boy shrugged. "Sorry Mr. Schue but between football, glee club, school, checking out other girls, work, homework and staying up all night playing video games, it's really hard to find the time."

"Listen for the signals Finn. If she's talking about Broadway or New York, or something you did wrong, it's a warning sign."

"Sorry, but it's really hard to listen to her sometimes and I don't really understand half of what she's says."

Will sighed. "Guys, I can't stress this enough, it's imperative that you all take that prescribed medication. Anything considered the actual spirit of your character is a bad thing. Look at Sam. He finally got a normal developed story line that people liked and he got cut. You have to be careful."

"Do we know if Rachel's ok now?" Shelby asked.

Santana shrugged. "We can check. Hey RuPaul, remember last year how Finn never told you he wasn't a virgin, even though everyone else in the school knew and made a complete fool of you? Remember how he got pissed because you wouldn't get over it after five minutes and made out with Puck and then dumped your ass? And then lead you on despite dating Quinn again even though what she did was way worse and repeatedly telling you to get lost. Oh and remember how he only got interested again because you weren't paying him your full attention and then completely ignored any requests you had to keep things purely professional?"

"Completely my own fault," Rachel said, gazing adoringly up at Finn.

"She's good," Santana stated.

"Great," Will said as everyone breathed a sigh of relief. "Now any more suggestions?"

Puck raised his hand. "We need more girls in the club, hell we need more girls on the show! I've knocked up Quinn, slept with Brittany and Santana, made out with Rachel a bunch of times, had a fake relationship with Mercedes, dated Izizes and crushed on Shelby. I'm running out of women to get my studness on with!"

Will nodded. "Right Puck that's one of the storylines we need to discuss. You and Tina are going to have an affair."

"Awesome," Puck agreed, "I haven't hooked up with the Asian chick yet."

"Wait, what?" Tina and Mike yelled.

Will raised his hands in a 'calm down' manner. "Yeah about that. Look guys I know you were hoping for bigger parts with the whole 'our-parents-don't-agree-with-our-relationship-or-decisions' storyline but apparently it was deemed too realistic and relatable so the writers are dropping it. If you guys want any lines this year I'd go with it because they're looking for reasons to thin the cast without any body noticing. In fact Tina, they're considering replacing you with a cardboard cutout of Morticia Addams. They're fairly certain no one would notice, so I'd go with it.

"Also, Shelby in relation to you being a terrible mother, you're going to end up sleeping with Finn, Puck and myself. Possibly Kurt and one of Rachel's fathers as well, just to really add to the melodrama."

Shelby raised an eyebrow. "I had been planning on just inviting her to dinner and then not showing up."

"Oh no," Emma shook her head. "You can't do that."

"She's right," Will agreed. "It's too subtle."

Kurt raised his hand. "Mr. Schue won't this result in a massive need of therapy for Rachel and, you know, the rest of us."

Will shook his head, "no it's all going to get resolved in two episodes. And Kurt you need to keep taking the medication. I'm not going to say it again. You can't keep showing intelligent thought."

"Ok, now on to other things." He leafed through his notes.

"Guys, we need to talk about Jesse." Most of the characters groaned.

"Mr. Schue do we really need to bring him back," Finn queried nervously, gesturing to the still extremely drugged Rachel.

"Yes Finn, but don't worry the writers have assured me that he will also be heavily drugged while he's here – which reminds me, we need to up Rachel's dosage while he's here and possibly some of the others – and they plan to completely ruin his character even worse than before. Don't worry Finn; the season will end with you performing some grand gesture that will make you seem like a compelling, caring character instead of the nice-but-dumb jock that is also a judgmental, hypocritical tool you actually are."

"Awesome" Finn cheered.

"Ok now, in relation to season four, I know there was some worry as to what would happen, the writers are still deciding but it's going to be one of two decisions. All the seniors are going to flunk or stay and teach at the school _or_ you're all going to start as freshmen again, which would give another four years actually."

Mercedes frowned, "won't that, like, mess with the plot?"

Puck snorted while Santana rolled her eyes and Quinn scoffed, "when has plot ever been important to this show."

Mercedes nodded, "Agreed, never mind."

"Ok, then," Will said, looking at his list one final time, "there are just a couple more things so."

"Santana, the reaction to your lesbianism has been mixed. RIB aren't sure if they want to continue it."

"So, I'm straight now?" the Latina asked.

"They're not sure. Just sleep with both male and female characters for now. Hey, sleep with every character; it'll help add to the ratings.

"Brittany, you're doing fine, although there does appear to still be some slight brain activity there. See if you can dumb things down some more." Brittany nodded enthusiastically.

"Quinn and Mercedes," Will pointed at the two with his pen. "Quinn, you are to continue blaming Rachel for all your problems even though none of them are her fault, also you will continue having some extreme self-image issues and be consistently inconsistent.

"Mercedes, you are to keep acting like a selfish, whinnying, ungrateful, demanding brat, thinking it makes you a great diva, when in reality you were better as a friendly, sassy girl."

Both girls nodded.

"Shannon", he turned to the football coach. "You're considered to be the only member of staff who isn't incompetent…."

"I OBJECT" Sue bellowed.

"….inappropriate…."

"I OBJECT" Sue roared again.

"….. and insane."

"I withdraw my objection," Sue said calmly.

"So Shannon," Will continued, "if you want to stay on the show you need to do something outrageous, get involved with a student, walk naked down the halls, something."

"Alright," Shannon agreed, slightly unsure. "S'up," Puck winked as she unintentionally caught his eye.

"Sue," Will turned to his frenemy. "You are either acting too human or too inhuman. Either way, you'll upset me and I will retaliate in some way that will inevitably result in backfiring on me, making me regret my actions, find sympathy for you and possibly ask people to question if twelve-year-olds wrote the script."

"Sounds acceptable," Sue agreed. "Most importantly it sounds like I win."

"Alright then," Will said. "So we all know what we're doing?"

"YES!"

"Great, let's go out there so and make this season even worse than last year's!"

Everybody cheered.


End file.
